i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
