She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
