I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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