I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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