I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
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I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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