Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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