your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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