I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
