last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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