when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
