ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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