Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
