My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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