Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
