can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
