my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
