capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
