He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I need water and some morals
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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