i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
All I want is dick and wine.
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