I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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