...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just want nice things and good sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He shit in the fireplace
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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