You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You've changed since you got that strap on
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
