Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
