i wish there were pregnant emoticons
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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