On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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