JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
