Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
