Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The uberlube is also flammable
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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