i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
you never un-have a 4some
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
