new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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