Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
