those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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