i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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