last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
