Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
