My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
