i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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