If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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