I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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