You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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