My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
