At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm sobbing to NWA
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
