he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
