Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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