I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
