I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
