I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
A bitchslap is in order.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
