I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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