Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
