You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
