Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
