Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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