if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
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My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
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Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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