Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
